The Pastor’s Wife Chronicles

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So for those of you who don’t know,  I am a “PW” aka “shepherdess” aka “Second in Command” aka “First Lady” aka “P-dub” aka “Pastor’s Wife.”  This is a title I have learned to love and wear as a badge of honor, but I can tell you with all honesty that this was not always the case. You see I started dating my husband when I was 18 years old. He was one of those people who was blessed from an early age to know what he wanted to be when he grew up – a pastor. I was also blessed at an early age to know what  I did not want to be – a pastors wife!

In high school I was the person who was always in the principal’s office for… let’s just say – difference of opinions with my teachers, just about all of them. Okay, okay, I had (and still have) a smart mouth. Over the years of  constant trips to the office, I gained a very close relationship with my principal.  One day I heard my name being called on the overhead intercom system to come to the office, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember what I had done to require this trip. I gathered my belongings from choir and made the 130 step trip to go see Ms.Barcella. I walked in, sat back, and relaxed awaiting what I knew would be one of our great conversations, but boy was I wrong. The first thing she said to me was “you know what Demia… you would make a great pastor’s wife!” I immediately sat up in my chair, scrunched up my face in disgust and told my principal “don’t you ever say that to me again! I will never become a pastor’s wife! They are so passive and quiet, and that’s just not me! They don’t even have their own name! People just call them “the pastor’s wife”! Oohhh no! That is not the life for me!”

Oh does God have a sense of humor because no more than two years later I started dating * cue up the chilling music* a theology major. My worries began to subside after I really got to know him, but my concern for one day holding the role I had so dreaded always lingered.

When I say people can be cruel and have an opinion on everything but their own lives……uuhhmmm isn’t that skirt a little too short… ‘scuse me that dress is kinda tight…. your taste is too expensive so you would never make it as a pastor’s wife, aren’t you suppose to know how to play the piano… your hair is a little too short … isn’t your skin a little too dark to be a pastor’s wife… you’re not good enough to be a pastor’s wife…

The craziest thing about it all was that all of the negativity I was experiencing was coming from the the same place… the people in church. As if I hadn’t questioned it before, I certainly questioned it now… Lord, are you sure this is what you want for me? 

The blessing in this story is that after much prayer, great conversations with positive people, and God becoming the number one anchor in my life, I learned to allow the negativity to roll off my back like water on a duck. Had I allowed these negative people’s words and comments to affect me, I would never have experienced this amazing life God has for me now. I am so pleased to say that I have been married to my husband for two years and I LOVE BEING A PASTOR’S WIFE! Having the opportunity each week to walk into a place with people who love me unconditionally and having the opportunity to work side by side with my husband to help make his God given vision a reality is nothing but a blessing. I have young girls that I’m able to mentor, women that I’m constantly learning from, a God that teaches me daily to be a better person, and a platform to share it all on is a blessing from no one but God. My weekdays and weekends are full –  the media person, member of the praise team,  young adult mentor,  step in person  if anything falls through person.   All of this gets tiring, but I honestly wouldn’t change it for the  world.

If I had  listened to the negativity of others and believed I had to change for their standards, I would have lost myself many years ago, which would have ultimately led me to resent my husband and God. When people ask me how I enjoy the “role” of a pastor’s wife”, I simply let them know it’s not a role for me. When I think of a role, I think of a person acting in a play or movie, and that’s just not what I do.  The same Demia who you see throughout the week is the same Demia you’ll get on the Sabbath. I will be the first person to pray, cry, and empathize, and also the first person to laugh, have fun, and enjoy the members of our church. So my fashion sense may not be the same as those around me, and yes, I wear bright lipstick and nail polish, but ultimately and most importantly I love God, and He is directing every aspect of my life, not the opinions of others.

To all the negative people who tried to steal my joy and make me feel as though I could never be a pastor’s wife, I say thank you. The rocks you threw both to my face and behind my back serve as the foundation upon which I tread.

To all my pastor’s wives, future pastor’s wives, and individuals who have experienced what is posted above, always remember to keep your head up, keep God first, and don’t allow negative people to take away your sense of self.

My pastor’s wife chronicles are only just beginning, but I thank God for the opportunity. If any of you have any questions about God, the seventh day Sabbath, or simply this crazy thing called life, don’t hesitate to drop me a line. I don’t profess to have all the answers, but I can promise that through prayer we can figure them out together.


  1. Patrice Grant says:

    Well said First Lady. Well said

  2. Medgine Picard says:

    First Lady, I admire you strength. You are a First Lady who is not afraid of being herself, which is something many pastor’s wives have unfortunately forgotten because they have allowed the opinion of others to shape their lives. Therefore I admire your strength and courage to be breath of fresh air in the midst of a toxic atmosphere.

    • Thank you so much for your kind remark! God is just so good. He is constantly working to make me a better person, and with Him as my center, how can I fail?

  3. So well written! And as a First Lady, I Love this!!!

  4. Kendra Niles says:

    Loved. It. “If I had listened to the negativity of others and believed I had to change for their standards, I would have lost myself many years ago”

    … Yesss darling! I really enjoy reading your blogs.

  5. Jessica Dudley says:

    This is a Word for any Woman…I’m just humbled at how God gives us exactly what we need even when we don’t think we need it!!! Awesome blog!!!! Blessing to you Demia!

    • Doesn’t He though! I had no idea that He was preparing me even in high school! Thank you so much as well on your kind words! Keep me prayed up on this endeavor. It has really been a fun.

  6. Extremely timely and beautifully written! Continue to stay true to yourself:)

  7. I love this. At the end of the day, God is the only one you need to answer to. Our example we leave in this life should always be motivated by God saying “well done my good and faithful servant”, everything else (including the negativity of others) should take back seat. Plus sometimes its out of ignorance that people say the things they say, not knowing that they are hurtful. Wish you and JD the absolute best. :)

  8. Laverne Tom says:

    Thanks for sharing. You’re such an inspiration :) God bless you!

  9. HeLene COhn says:

    When I first heard you sing I was in awe because I had kown you for 16+ years but never heard you sing. So now as I’m reading this I realize you not only have a voice of music but also of words continue expressing yourself in both love you Auntie Helene

  10. Amazing story! I am a pastors daughter and it took me a while to see it as a blessing. When you have children they will admit your strength in doing what you do.

  11. Marla Milton says:

    I have a question about being a pastor’s wife. Have you ever had the opportunity to be told what a pastor’s wife should or should not do? How do you handle those opportunities? I keep saying opportunity because I was to stay positive in my thinking. :)

    • lol! great question Martha. I have been told on several occasions what a pastors wife should/shouldn’t do/wear/say/talk/act/walk/etc, and every time i am blessed with those “opportunities” (lol), i simply remind the person that i am not around to fit into their “pastors wife mold.” my husband loves every inch of my unique style and personality and wouldn’t trade me in for the world. its always an opportunity for growth when i am met with those type of people, but with the confidence that God has instilled in me, i’m not interested in changing for anyone but God. as long as i’m leading people to HIM, then i know HE is pleased. if i changed for everyone that had an opinion of what i needed to do, i’d be in an insane asylum! lol!! hope this helps.

  12. Interesting. To those who asked, not there is no training for a Pastor’s wife. We Pastors get to study and have at least four years of formal education. Our wives have to learn from observing other Pastor’s wives (exposure or lack thereof, plays a good part) how much the senior Pastors wife mentors her, and what she gathers from reading and praying.

    The desire for her to conform is high (although not as intense as years gone by)and she has to decide to be herself under God.

    Thanks for sharing.

  13. Great work you are doing…All I have to say is that be who you are and be happy with your husband. Every person is unique in their own way, you are blessed and talented young woman. Stop listening to bullies to come between your life or home, church fox always love to judge others instead of leading someone to salvation they tear you down. Let God continue to guide you in the work you are doing coz he has not finished yet as a young couple you will face these giants but like David you will overcome them.Continue to work hand in hand with your husband that is all what matters, a strong ministry…

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